Lunch at a local Indian restaurant marked a sort of finality to the coming move to Hawaii. My badge was turned in, IT will be moving my accounts to the appropriate systems early next week, and my access token was turned in. That lunch was all that was left. A coming together of the hodge podge of different people with different backgrounds, typically with idiosyncratic personalities (just like me), … the odd, eclectic mix I call my coworkers and friends.
It just seems so…foreign…to hear what I’ve done over the past few years recalled in admiration and respect that I wouldn’t place on them when reflecting back. It’s been a whirlwind of a 2.5 year journey from not knowing anything about my particular job to becoming a SME and a Team Lead, influencing other organizations both inside mine and outside of it in my area of expertise. My personality is to shy away from that sort of attention and exposure, but Fate came knocking and it was demonstrating and achieving those things that has led me back to Hawaii within the next few days.
And now I feel lost, in a sense. Pretty similar to other times when a door has closed so I can walk through the next, knowing another transition and growth will await me until that door closes too. But right after that old door closes, there’s a period where it’s SO calm and SO quiet, it gets my hackles up. My inner Infantryman doesn’t like that sort of quiet, even if it’s for a really good reason with an exciting journey about to commence.
It leaves me uncomfortable. For a variety of reasons.
Normally, this is a time for reflection and I am. I’m reflecting on the truth of what they said and the way they said it. This can make some people uncomfortable – especially if you’ve had a rough past. While I can say I was “forged”, if you will, it’s times like this where some of those memories are brought back up.
Some don’t make it to blowing past what they thought they could achieve. Self-sabotage creeps in for some and, depending on your area and opportunities, if can take a while to get back to where you were or have the next similar opportunity come. I self-sabotaged for a while. You could say that that’s what I did before Iraq, in all honesty. Anything pre-2003. Of course, I didn’t plan on coming back from Iraq, but that’s a different story series.
I was not suited to my last role in Hawaii. I didn’t talke my way into it or over-promise. I don’t do that, so when they get me on-ground, I’m more than what I said I was. The role wasn’t defined well, had no support, and they had realized it wasn’t going to work out before I hit the ground. So, I made the best of what I could from it and the side roles I was given. Some of those were significant successes, a few were mediocre, and some just failed. Also talking about the value to me there. The role was removed once I said I wasn’t going to extend and selected my current role in Maryland.
And now I’m going back to Hawaii, back to one of the same buildings I worked in. Different group, managing and cross-training a group to do what I did here. And whatever side roles I find myself in. “Other duties as assigned” usually creeps its way into things like this.
It’s all of these “in-between”s I’m referencing with the discomfort. The waiting for the next mission and the work “purpose” it brings. The last time I was in this position and moving back from Hawaii to Maryland. Remembering the crueler times from the past and the space between there and where I am now. Most of these are positive discomforts, the other mostly neutral at this point. It’s where I find myself and this, too, is a sign of progress.
I don’t really have some big wrap-up for this entry. There’s no real lesson for others to learn or points of view consider. I think it’s a healthy thing to let others know that you’re just as human as they are when some consider you a role model and mentor in certain things. I think it’s important to maintain an obvious link between the real person and the magician seen in videos, tutorials, blog posts, and grimoires. In an online world of pretend “uber”-magicians and fake title distinctions, we need to connect with the the real person more than ever.
