September is always a rough month. I’ve put this off because I knew it would tear me up a bit even all these years later.
September was the month that I decided to really make longer-term goals when I had just wanted to go back to Iraq. To feel alive again. It probably had to happen for some reason, but did it really? I’m still a bit ashamed I didn’t ask you out sooner, instead of intending to the night I found out you didn’t wake up that morning. I was expecting to see you, but a friend had to break the news to me. 20 years ago this year.
I still remember what you were wearing the last time I talked to you. The grey slacks, blue polo. Your hair pulled back and your beautiful dark complexion. It’s still clear. WIshing I could take the follow-on course so I could continue to have our chats. Your smiles. But I don’t remember your laughter anymore. I can see it, still, but can’t hear it.
I’ve tried over the years to find your last name and wish I had written it down somewhere. I only saw it once to know who was mentoring us and didn’t see it again. I’m sorry, Athena. I wish I could have found it so I could visit your grave. I know that may seem ironic, but it isn’t. I wish I could see it with my own eyes. None of us were invited to your funeral.
Being able to say goodbye to your spirit was one of the two precious gifts given to me by Hecate to prove who she was back in 2019. Just yesterday, I was back near that very location on Oahu, within viewing distance. I couldn’t go to it or I’d have been a bit too emotional for a going away party for a coworker I’ve know for a few months.
And for that precious gift, I vowed to spiritually watch over your current incarnation. And when direct to, I have cast for your benefit. And I shall continue to. A human guardian angel of sorts, but I’m certainly not pure and holy. Thankfully, I don’t have to be.
My favorite song for you has been the same for 20 years. I acquired it not long before we met in 2004. Stil VNVNation – My Beloved.
These past few months, I found a good secondary. It’s covers the grey areas of My Beloved, but has a few of its own. For All Time by Armin van Buuren (and others). The imaginary references fit some of what I’ve thought since.
You’re still missed.
4 responses to “It’s been 20 years. I still remember.”
This is a really beautiful story. I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
Can you elaborate on how Hecate proved to you she was real?
What do you mean when you say you are watching over her current incarnation? Can you communicate with Athena?
Thanks, Kristen. Hecate brought her to me. I could feel both of them near me and Athen was next to me. I recognized her immediately and was floored. My cat was next. Hecate, Athena, and my cat were all right there. She had brought the long dead to me in a way I couldn’t refute. I didn’t ask her to. She knew this would settle the doubt I had. My senses weren’t really open, outside of some clairsentience I couldn’t turn off very successfully, but didn’t actively use after childhood (until Iraq).
Concerning communicating with Athena, I largely don’t. This is her new life and I represent the old one. Her spirit feels slightly different, which confused me until I had more experience with this area. When I cast for her, I typically am either told by Hecate, by Athena’s higher Self, or intuition. I know what her spirit feels like in this incarnation, so that acts as my link for the ritual.
I don’t think we’ll meet and it would be pretty awkward. She’s ~5 at this point in time and by the time she’s an adult, I plan on being on a sailboat and/or a half-hermit living on an island somewhere. But, again, I represent the past and what if she grows up to be a person I wouldn’t like or respect? Maybe she’s going to be the opposite of what I knew of her in her last incarnation? It would tarnish the beautiful memories I have.
That is an incredibly interesting story Norse. I am very happy you are able to do what you do. You earned it I have no doubt. 😊
You seem to have a lot of feminine energy supporting you. You do tend to bring out a maternal feeling in me. Not sure why because I’m not that much older than you lol .
Island sounds nice! I don’t think I would want to live on a boat but more than once I’ve found myself wishing I could live out my life in a cave. I used to want to join an ashram and become a nun. It is so tempting to just unplug and give in to the need to immerse yourself in something…else ?
I hope wherever your travels take you that you are always fulfilled. I sure will miss you. I hope we can meet again in some other time and place. In the meantime before you are sea or island bound I’ll continue to enjoy your stories and work.
Hugs.
Thanks Kris. It’ll be a while before I become some sort of hermit. I wouldn’t mind setting up some Pagan semi-primitive camping site so I can build altar spaces in the “wild” and sail in my free time. Who knows. I’m not getting any younger, so I don’t know that my sailboat cruising would be feasible by the time that could happen. I have to have SOMETHING to look forward to or work towards. I don’t do well treading water.
I do have a lot of feminine energy supporting me. I was raised by toxic feminists (and wouldn’t submit to their liking/demands), so maybe that has something to do with it. I’m thankful either way.